Day 235: "Is this normal?"

These must be the most frequently uttered words by a new mom. Or at least a slightly neurotic one like me. They are also the kiss of death. Thinking back, I started asking this question when I was first pregnant. Then it was pretty harmless: I can't feel the baby moving - is that normal? I don't have morning sickness - is that normal? Once Maddie had arrived, though, it all got out of control. Was she eating too much? Did her poop look right? Should her arms flail about like that? Why isn't she grabbing/rolling/sitting/crawling yet? All of these being various forms of the same old question: Is this normal? The problem with the question is that it implies that there is such a thing as normal, and I've decided that when it comes to babies there just isn't. It's amazing how different they all are. Which is why all of these books and web sites, no matter how well-meaning, are pretty pointless. I was reading the other day that Maddie should be old enough now to "self-soothe" - in other words, to put herself to sleep without feeding, rocking and all the rest of it. If I tried rocking Maddie to sleep she would look at me like I belong in an institution. Her version of self-soothing is to scream her lungs out for 15 minutes until she finally drifts off. Not what the book had in mind, maybe, and a bit awkward when company is over ("No, no, she's not dying. More coffee?") but it seems to work for her.

I'd been warned that parenthood is a pretty competitive sport, and it's definitely true. But for the most part it's self-imposed. No matter how hard I try not to, how many times I tell myself to stop, I just can't help comparing Maddie to other babies her age. That baby is more mobile, this one has longer hair, that one naps better, this one doesn't cry as much. It can become a full-time occupation. Is this a new obsession, another symptom of our times? At Gymboree this week we once again focussed on getting our babies crawling. Well, okay, the rest of them already are crawling. So they worked on mastering the skill while I begged Maddie to at least give it a try. She declined. But the point is, is this really something we need to work on? I can't help but wonder if ages ago women in caves sat taunting their babies with berries in effort to get them mobile. Somehow I doubt it.

I can only imagine how bad it can get once they're in school. Who's reading at what level? Who's memorized the elements? Who's been picked for the lead in the Christmas - sorry, "holiday" - play? Never mind Maddie, I don't think I can keep up. All this worrying and keeping track is exhausting. And besides, it's pointless, isn't it? After all, according to my mom she's already a genius. There's no way those crawling babies will be able to catch her.