Day 270: Christmas miracles

Sorry for the long stretch between posts, blame the Christmas craziness. I should have asked them to set up a cot for me at the mall, I've been there so often in the past couple of weeks! But, crazy or not, Maddie's first Christmas was actually a lot of fun. Of course she has absolutely no idea what's going on, but still I found myself not being able to sleep on Christmas eve, finally getting up at 6:45am and waiting impatiently for the sounds of her waking so that I could go drag her out of bed and watch her empty her stocking. It was like I was a kid again, waiting for Santa. Of course I ended up basically dumping the stocking out for her, and she then ignored most of what was in it... but she did seem to take a fancy to the cardboard tag attached to one of the little toys, so that was a special moment. Maddie's biggest gift to me was that she seems to have transformed herself into a little angel baby over the past week or so. She's napping great, sleeping great, smiling and being generally adorable all the time. She's even agreed to sit in the stroller without acting as though it's some form of medeival torture. I don't know what has prompted this miraculous reprieve, but I am enjoying every second of it!

The in-laws took Maddie overnight yesterday so Fernando and I had an impromptu date night. We went to see the movie The Pursuit of Happyness and I have to say it was a tough haul. I mean, it was wonderful actually, but it made me think for the millionth time since having Maddie about the lengths people go to for their kids. Shortly after having Maddie I was at a new moms' support group meeting - which is an indication of how well things were going with our new little bundle of joy - and I very clearly recall saying that I felt overwhelmingly guilty because if push came to shove I wouldn't throw myself in front of a car for her. I wouldn't make that kind of sacrifice. It scared me, because I felt as though I should feel some kind of intense need to love and protect her, I should feel that her life was more important than my own. But I didn't. And now here we are on her 9 month birthday and I can say with relative confidence that I would give anything in the world for her. And now that knowledge is what scares me! I don't know when the change happened, I suspect it was a gradual thing, made stronger with each smile, with every time she's reached out to pat my face and every time she's looked helplessly at me after bumping her little head. I used to be consumed with what I saw as her shortcomings - the crying, the demands, the stubborn refusal to make my life even a little bit easier! But I know now that even though she makes me crazy, even though she has turned my world upside down, and even though there are days I feel overwhelmed and question the direction my life has taken - I wouldn't change a single thing about her. She's perfect. There is a lot of guilt and a lot of expectations that come with this motherhood gig, but my vast experience has made me realize that loving her doesn't mean I have to always love it.

And for the few of you who have lasted this long and are still reading... I hope you had a very merry Christmas. Or a happy Hanukkah, or a great Kwanzaa, or a wonderful holiday, whichever one it is you celebrate. And if you don't celebrate any holiday, hope you had a very enjoyable week. And I hope that 2007 is a happy and healthy one for all of us.