Day 485: I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...

It is so strange not having Maddie in the house. She’s such a little monkey these days, I miss seeing her grinning little face peeking out at us from around corners and under blankets. I miss seeing her toddle out from her bedroom with her ever-growing collection of dollar store necklaces strung around her neck. I even miss her perpetually sticky hands leaving prints everywhere, a clear trail of the mischief she’s caused. I guess I should admit that I don’t miss having food launched at my head from the highchair or having peas-and-carrots poop smeared up my arm during our daily change table struggles. Those joys I can do without. But this is by far the longest I’ve been without her, and her not being around has definitely left a whole in our home and in our days.

It has given us a small reminder of life before baby, though. Ah, I’d forgotten that life. Running an errand without having to pack as though you were going out of town for a week has been nice. Not having to drop everything and rush home every day at 1pm for naps been a treat. And the other night we just up and decided to go to a movie, if you can imagine that. Yes, we’re wild, we’re crazy, we’re just a couple of D.I.N.K.s. So we went for some disappointing sushi and then caught the late show of Sicko, Michael Moore’s latest. I don’t know if I’m on some hormonal bender, but I swear I cried through half the movie. It was just so sad, seeing all of these people who were old, sick, poor, lonely, left behind. It made me so grateful for my health, and my healthcare, that’s for certain. There was a point where he talked to a mom whose baby had died and I was reduced to heaving sobs. I remember a friend telling me that once you have a baby you can’t stand even the thought of a child suffering or being hurt, and is that ever the truth.

And so of course it made me miss my Mads that much more. I know I’m quick to bitch and whine sometimes – no, it’s true – but just this little taste of life without her helps make us realize how lucky we are that she’s around.