Day 455: Misery loves company?

So we are in the midst of a little baby boom here! No, not me. But so many of my friends are either having babies, about to have babies, or trying to have babies. It's wonderful, because when it comes to this club I say the more the merrier.

The thing is, all these babies seem so darn happy. They're adorable and loveable and sweet. They seem to be the babies you imagine when you dream about having a baby. I'm happy for my friends, cause they're wonderful girls and it's really fun and lovely seeing them become mothers. And even I cannot resist a giggly, gurgly, chubby little face. And yet...

I admit I cannot stop myself making the inevitable comparisons, asking the inevitable questions. I spent a lot of time wondering why poor Mads was so miserable, and now it feels like I am realizing just how miserable she was! And even though I know it's irrational, there is that little part of me that wonders if maybe I didn't just do something wrong. Or maybe I just failed to do something right. Truth be told, she wailed from the get go, so I can take solace in knowing that it couldn't have been me. But that voice is there nevertheless. The most shocking thing about babies to me is that they truly do arrive with their little minds already made up!

I wish I could say that the whole experience made me more patient or understanding, but I'm sorry to say I haven't noticed that change. Nor has my husband noticed it in me, I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you. Looking back, the biggest benefit to having a "high maintenance" baby is that I made a great friend who I never would have met were it not for the fact that our children were similarly "spirited." I love my Mads from her wonky hair down to her tickly toes, but the misery I definitely could've done without.

The thing is, now Maddie is actually really happy. She is usually in a great mood. I like to think that the constant attention and incredible effort throughout her first year contributed to making her the self-assured little girl she is becoming. She fancies herself a comedian and is always doing silly little things to keep us in hysterics. She often just laughs out loud, out of the blue, this really odd laugh. "A HA HA!" It's the abrasive guffaw of a 50-year old man erupting from a 15-month old baby girl. I suppose that I equate life with Maddie with life on the Gulf of Mexico. The water is crystal blue, the weather is warm, things are great. But you're always waiting for that next storm, and you never know when it might hit. I wonder if a lot of this is just me, remnants of days gone by. I guess my challenge, as always, is to live in the moment.