Day 451: Out of time

Babies tend to take over your whole life. Every thought, every action, every appointment, every errand – they all can somehow be traced back to the kid. I try to think back to my life before baby and the recollection is very vague. I wonder what I did with myself, with my time. I wonder what Fernando and I talked about. We try now, on those rare occasions when we are out without her, to keep our conversation away from Maddie, but of course one of us always manages to steer it back there and the other is only too happy to jump in. It’s sad, and we both know it: we have become those people. The ones who do mass emails of new photos every second day and blather on endlessly about their baby’s mastery of cutlery and spit bubble blowing.

The thing is, I am someone who likes her independence. No, that’s not putting it strongly enough. I treasure it. Before Maddie I would go to movies on my own, take myself out on lunch dates, spend a couple hours with no company other than a glass of wine and a good book. It's hard to do these things when you have a 30lb baby crawling over your back and banging you in the head with a plastic drumstick. I think that is in part why this transition into motherhood can be a rocky one for some. Suddenly there is this little person who is there all the time. And she’s demanding! And loud! And even when she’s not there she somehow still is.

The day you become a parent, time becomes a precious resource; and free time a very rare commodity. I spend most of my life in a frenzy. I am the mother who is paying the cashier with one hand, wiping her kid’s snotty nose with the other and opening a bag of crackers with her teeth. I am the one crashing the stroller into corners and slow-moving mall traffic. I am the one in a constant state of distraction, with her mind on 12 different things, her eyes never quite focusing on you. I am the one with a permanent ponytail and sheen of sweat on her forehead. That is me, I admit it. Hey, I took this gig on, but I never promised to do it gracefully.