Day 328: Back to work

Well, it is official. The countdown is complete, the fat lady has sung, it’s all over but the crying, and whatever other cliché is applicable. I am back at work. And having been back for almost a full week, it is already feeling as though I never left.

Actually, the dreaded return to work has been better than anticipated. Those first couple of days were hard; there was a few tears and a lot of self pity (“It’s not fair! Why me?”). But I have to admit that overall it hasn’t been all that bad. Adult conversation is a definite perk, as are trips to the gym at lunch. And it’s a nice feeling to leave work at the end of the day and rush home to see my baby.

Even though I was not looking forward to leaving Maddie, I thought that I would get some satisfaction out of having a purpose outside of motherhood, putting in a hard day’s work and making a “real” contribution again. But being back to work has me thinking that there really is no contribution greater than raising a child. And it’s not even that my job is irrelevant. I like to think that I am a small cog in an important wheel. An admittedly small cog, and perhaps not an entirely indispensable one – if I were to say, fall out of the wheel, I’ve no doubt it would keep turning. But I’m pretty sure someone would notice. I’m pretty sure someone would say, “Hey, what happened to Carolyn? She sure kept things running smoothly around here.” Or at the very least, “Where’s that girl that used to bring the donuts?”

I guess my point is that whereas my job is a small link to something greater and of importance, Maddie is something great and important. Maybe she’ll grow up and discover a cure for cancer; maybe she’ll be an artist or a secretary or a tree planter. Whatever she is, my goal as a parent is that she grows up to be kind and accepting, that she makes people happy and is happy herself. Any other job I have just seems to pale in comparison to that.