Day 403: A little pampering goes a long way

Last Mother’s Day – my first Mother’s Day – Fernando and Maddie gave me a gift certificate for the spa. Accompanying it was a card with my 6-week old daughter’s handprints done in ketchup, which looked horrifyingly similar to blood stains – but that’s another story for another day. I realized yesterday Mother’s Day is upon us yet again and I have yet to get to the spa, so I booked an appointment for a massage after work. I should make it clear that I’m really not a spa girl. I’ve been probably twice before in my life. I enjoy it – who doesn’t? – but I find my options are limited. I’m not all that crazy about spending $50 on a manicure when I can paint my own nails for $2.99. And I don’t let other people touch my feet; it’s just a thing I have.

But I admit that yesterday I really needed a massage! The weeks at work have been long of late. I had a bad few days where I was questioning my mothering skills. I stopped taking my post-partum medication a few weeks ago, which has left me fuzzy and foggy and generally confused. So I arrived to the spa tired and sad, but then I had an hour to just lie there, to think about everything, to think about nothing. And while the lady – oh god, how terrible that I can’t remember her name! – was karate chopping my calves I realized that I have been holding on to a lot of negative baggage that had built up over the past year. Particularly in those first 8 months. Maddie has managed to move past it all, but I haven’t. I’m still a bit nervous to take her places. I still have a tendency when she has a tough day to think of her as “bad.” Though at this point I wouldn’t change a thing about her, I still at times envy other moms their “easy” babies. I’m still terrified by the thought of another baby. And I just suddenly realized that I can let all of that go now (well, I may hold on to the fear of further reproduction a while longer, but you get my point). I can keep the good stuff and leave all the rest of it behind. I was driving home, the wind was howling through the trees, and it felt to me like a new beginning.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there.